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Published in: on July 30, 2010 at 7:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

ISO

You know what I want?

It’s like fucking magic or something.  Every guy’s dream.  I’m sitting at my incall and I’m horny as hell.

I keep telling people, I’m vanilla.  Reeeealy vanilla.  I will not be the lady to call at 3Amwhen you want to slather someone in yoghurt while wearing your wife’s fishnets.

I just like to get laid.  Often.  I’ve got the libido of a 20 year old guy.  48 hours – I start to bitch.

It’s been five days.  DUDE.  For perspective, at two weeks my civvie friends start making jokes about finding me up in clock towers – which would never happen because by one week, I’m out at the bar looking for someone drunk and stupid who won’t notice I’m not giving him my phone number.

So.

ISO – Clean, respectful, punctual.  Must like cowgirl, being lathered up in the shower, DATY and BBBJ.  Good conversationalist.  Willing to rub my calves/lower back (both would be favorite – new cardio program) and spoon me for at least ten minutes after while I grab ass and talk a lot.

Anyone I already know meet the above – one bill.  I’ll be here until ten.

I think this is what they call a win-win.  I f’ing hate masturbating.  It’s not even remotely the same.

ETA: And because I know you guys gossip like old biddy hens – my bills are paid and I’m sitting on money after the fact.  Brandy can confirm it.  I paid up the incall today, and that was the last on the list.  Hyah!

Son of ETA: I’m thinking, and it might be four days.  I can remember C vividly, just not if it was a Monday or Tuesday.  I don’t write things down.  Tuesday?  Yeah, might have been Tuesday.  Anyhow, it’s been a while.  Too f’ing long.

Grandson of ETA:  Aaaaand now my phone is dead.  Fukkitall.  Siiiigh.

Published in: on July 30, 2010 at 5:41 pm  Comments (4)  

Newsletter stuff

I still haven’t figured out what to call that column I’m doing for Brandy’s newsletter.  What do y’all think of “Emily Does Economics”?  Is that a clever wordplay, or merely stupid?  Might turn out like my blog title – I’m the only one who gets it and I think it’s funny as hell, and also proof what a bred-in-the-bone dork I am.

Tossing around topics for the next column – first already sent off ages ago.  Elastic vs inelastic demand (and the puns just write themselves on that one, yessir).  What to do with your money during inflation.  Speaking of that one, there’s a very nice article kicking around my hindbrain about stagflation and how it resembles today’s hobby economy from the provider side but I probably ought to do something on inflation first or it won’t make any sense.  And I’m also thinking maybe I ought to keep the first few to the essentials of money-management – (basic budgeting) – before I get any deeper on the issue of actually understanding money and markets.

Thoughts?

Published in: on July 29, 2010 at 9:27 pm  Comments (4)  

Blather, blather, blather

I cooked the first meal in the new incall.  Made lunch for Brandy and myself: shaved beef with garlic, caesar salads. 

Reasons Why Cooking Is An Underrated Skill

Once you know what you’re doing, it is

– cheaper than McDonald’s

– faster than McDonald’s

– healthier than McDonald’s

– tastes like real f’ing FOOD and not cardboard “parts is parts” crap slathered in MSG but don’t salt the damned fries because OMG SALT IS BAD 

I’ve never been a fan of fast food.  Doesn’t make sense to spend $8 on a bad burger and soggy fries that some kid got the order wrong anyhow and forgot to give you napkins, when $8 would buy a decent steak at the HEB.  Heck, for $8 I could do up some very nice shrimp skewers which would grill up in two minutes.

I think Brandy’s been getting a lot of amusement off what a total cheapskate I am.  Once I’ve got hold of a dollar, bigod, it’s a prisoner.  I only spend money on things that are of good quality and that I actually need.  She found a coffee table that’s solidly built and I’m going to refinish it, rather than get something much spendier. 

FYI – I don’t do social networking sites.  So if you see some Emily Hemingway on MySpace or Twitter or Facebook, I guarantee it isn’t me.

Speaking of Facebook, I propose a new drinking game.  Find one of those unemployment articles in the news, the type that tells the life story of some lawyer or whomever who was making 80k in 2008 and now that their 99 weeks of funemployment is running out they’re on the verge of being homeless, they’re on food stamps and a church is paying the light bill.  Then look them up on Facebook.  If they took a vacation in the last six months – shot!  If you see the words “posted from my mobile phone” – shot!  If they show pictures of themselves playing the latest video games – shot!

Published in: on July 28, 2010 at 10:34 pm  Leave a Comment  

Incall bliss

The new incall is ridiculously great.  Tasteful color palette.  Good tile in the dining room and kitchen.  The new couch is FAB-U-LOUS, and Brandy and I scored this great bedding set that is so Marie LeVeaux.  We were puttering around in it, me muttering under my breath, “SO stoked.  This place rocks.  AWESOME.  So STOKED.”

A rather wonderful person treated Brandy and I to a random at of kindness.  It wasn’t expected, and he’s been moved to the top of our People Who Are Awesome list.  Plus, the company was lots of fun.

In other news, I love Terry Pratchett.

All together, these told the brain of anything monkey-shaped that movement meant death.  And that stillness, while it also meant death, didn’t mean immediate, this actual second, death, and was therefore the smart-monkey option.

Anyone who can write like that, and name a character Moist (even better, get away with it) earns my undying admiration.  One of my medium-term goals is to collect every Discworld book; I say medium, because Half-Price Books has a perpetual shortage of his stuff and I am too cheap to buy them retail.

I say this because, while I’ve always used words like “bugger”, if you see much more British idiom than normal it’s due to reading a lot of his stuff.  “Night Watch” is currently my favorite.

Published in: on July 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm  Comments (1)  

Stupid news link of the day:  Bureaucrats are Dante’s fourth circle of Hell

My word count has been shot all to pieces since coming back.  Never seem to have the time.  The good news is, see, that since I don’t have any projects on the burner, no one’s going to scream at me if I don’t write.

I’m getting a new hobby phone TODAY.  Bugger this ‘never having enough signal to make calls at my house’ crap.  I’m leaving the old phone on for a few weeks so everyone can still reach me until they’ve learned what the new number is.

Not one person was in favor of me offering a short-term discount to see if it parlayed into a busy, extra-profitable week.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that – I figured I’d get a bunch of emails/PMs saying, “YES, THAT IS AWESOME IDEA.  I call dibs on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.”   Most of them were variations on the theme of “While I’d love a discount, you shouldn’t do it – you’re better than that.”  In there somewhere is a jolly big post pondering why Corpus is so freaking lucky as to escape the “me = meat on the hoof; you – walking ATM” mindset, but I just can’t find it right now.  Still on Coffee Number Two.  I’m (fuzzily) thinking (as it were) it’s got something to do with us being small enough and chummy enough that our second priority is finding time to buy each other a drink.

The Hobby House is now a realized fact.  Wooooo!  Details will probably be forthcoming in the next issue of Brandy’s e-zine.  Dunno, I’m checking with her on that today.

Published in: on July 24, 2010 at 6:42 am  Leave a Comment  

$$$$$

I don’t do discounts.

Way back when I only logged into the boards rarely, I still read the Ladies’ section pretty thoroughly when I did log in.  For any number of the ladies it was considered a truism that if you wanted more business and, incidentally, fewer weirdos, raise your rates.

Seems counter-intuitive, yeah?  It works though. 

My Papa once told me when I was little that people need to keep their eyes wide open when dating and half-shut after they’re married.  I adapted that as my business plan (that, and “It’s worth what you paid”, i.e., people ascribe value correlating to exactly how much they paid to get it – interesting theory we tested in a college class and it’s true, when offered the same two steaks, one for $5 and one for $30, the expensive one was considered every time to be tastier, more tender, better prepared…)  So I’m a total hardass with high expectations in regards to what you gents post on the forums, the emails and PMs I get, screen like a m’f’er, how you acted at the social, phone etiquette – everything.  Once the door opens I morph into Igor, following you around saying, “Yeth, marthter, huh huh huh hurrrrr.  Whatever marthter wantth, marthter getth, and no mithtake.”

Anyway, I’ve got a point here. 

Low dollar appointments mean more shmucks.  You also don’t actually make any more money.  I know there’s a great deal of theory that the less you charge, the more appointments you’ll get and you’ll wind up with more profit in the end.  (The “quick sixpence versus the slow two bits” economic theory.)  Nope.  Other gals have already reported that they make in a week an equal or usually significantly less amount than I do, and I see fewer gents.

And I don’t like to see shmucks.  They take advantage of the Igor side of my personality.

One time, I offered a discount.  If you had ever had an appointment with me before, or if you brought a small gift, so-on-so-forth donation instead of the usual.

I did the exact same number of appointments that week as I usually do.  Wasn’t even the high side of normal – nope, just the normal number.

Not a single fellow had seen me before or brought a gift, and yet every one of them refused to pay the usual donation.  The discounted donation only.

Ergo, I’ve never done a discount since.  That was pretty much all I needed to see to confirm the girls were right about raising rates and no discounts.

(We’re getting there, be patient.)

Six weeks ago, when I was just coming back onto the market, I had several thousand in savings and a few gold and oil stocks.  Mr X was a good thing, and I took care of the money I made.  Had plans for some physical improvements* and my truck’s running close to the end of it’s shelf life so I was looking around for a decent used Suburban I could put at least 50% down on.

Aaaand then life happened, back home.  Which is why I preach to the gals about having a healthy savings account, because when I needed it, when it was suddenly very damned important that I lay my hands on quite a lot of money, I had the funds. 

I showed up at the social with $11 to my name.  A month later, I’ve got money in savings again, money in checking, bills are all paid and cash in my wallet but I’m one of those people who don’t feel comfortable unless they’ve got a pile of money – or at least a couple months’ expenses – sitting somewhere safe and instantly accessible.  I’m not broke – I just feel broke.

The girls say it’s a non-starter to run specials and discounts, because it just attracts the freaks without bringing in more money.  I tried it one and I pretty much agree.  It’s a sound business theory though. 

The point IS, I’m thinking very seriously about running some insanely deep discount.  One mad week of lots of cheap appointments so my savings account resembles something more to my approval.

Now I’m sure all your fellows are thinking, “YES!  YES, that is a BRILLIANT idea, Emily.  ONCE doesn’t test a theory, THAT IS NOT SCIENTIFIC.  For SCIENCE, Em, you should, er, test the hypothesis.  YES!  Test the hypothesis, that’s it!  How deep a discount are we talking, by the by?”

I’m genuinely soliciting y’alls opinions in this.  Not as hobbyists – set aside the distration of my boobs, guys.  As people, many of whom I have met and liked, what do you think of the notion of one week of mad, insane discounts for the purpose of making a sum I can bank into savings?

Keep in mind that I will probably never do it again.  I’m already cringing at the thought of the hassle this would be.

*I was going to get my ears done.  True story.  Yup.

Published in: on July 22, 2010 at 5:28 pm  Comments (4)  

I shall try harder

I’ve worked to earn a bit of a reputation.  I’m not the hottest thing out there, I’m not the skinniest or the youngest but, bigods, I try harder.  Reliable.  On time.  Security conscious.  Good (and, hopefully, great and perhaps even fan-fucking-tastic) customer service.  Not a 19 year old blond with washboard abs but TCB for f’ing days and never with the drama.

I’ve really rather failed, just a bit, in answering emails/PMs and being an organized screener the last month.  Since service and TCB is where I excel, there really is no excuse for this.  I can only apologise. 

There was a family issue out of state.  It was quite serious.  This is no excuse and I’m not presenting it as such.  It’s merely the reason.  I have not been myself lately.  There are some of you who I throw myself on your mercy, with sincere apologies for not being as professional as you had a right to expect in regards to getting screening done quickly and efficiently.

Again, my apologies.  I shall try harder.

Published in: on July 20, 2010 at 9:41 pm  Leave a Comment  

Once more, with feeling!

I’m going to mention this one last time.

A lot of fellows have cottoned on to the benefits of Brandy’s new written referencing system and have begun requesting she add them to the WRS.  I can vouch that it’s incredibly handy and fast as lightning.  I can literally get a gent screened in less than thirty seconds (it’s free, guys, and no personal details offered nor required).  I know how fast it goes because this week, I fully screened a guy for the first time with nothing more than the WRS.  And, dude, I’m a hardass about screening.

However, I gave my word previously that I won’t add you without your say-so.  (Unless you’re an asshole who needs an alert, in which case you can suck my what?)

Call me, email, text, PM if you have changed your mind and want me to add you to the WRS.  I can absolutely promise I’ll write up the same reference I’d give a gal over the phone, with no personal details (kind of moot, because y’all know already I don’t need them and never pay them any mind anyhow).

Screening in a couple of mouse clicks, for free, nothing needed but your say-so.  Guys, it doesn’t get any better.

Just sayin’.

Published in: on July 20, 2010 at 9:21 pm  Comments (1)  

I learned that I can be wrong.  I’ve learned this before, but it’s good for me to have the lesson brought home periodically.  Builds character.  It was a lovely time, C; a bit startling at one point, but at all points lovely.  I forgot to give you that nickel, please do not report me to the mods.

As Chevalier has mentioned in his most excellent blog (highly recommended – I have almost stopped twitching from his long absence) Brandy has started up a hobby e-zine.  I’ve already done her an article on BBFS – I’m still not sure if I went over the line from amusingly bossy to bitchy, but she thought it was funny and I’ve already made it clear this is one issue I’ll fight to the bitter end.  My basic stance will come as no surprise, though I hope I got the wording and tone right.

Aaaand I’ve been invited to head a column on basic economics and money management for providers.  I’m freekin’ tickled.  My first column!*

So I’ve been mulling over what to call this column.  My first thought, in the truck with Brandy whilst we were discussing it, was to title it “Why Does THAT Bitch Always Have Money?”  Because there have been ladies whom I knew for a fact – a FACT, bigods – made double or triple my income, and I had more money than they did.  Still.  A bit too long and probably not workable. 

Ideas, my little lovemuffins?

*Yes, I know I just had a bit of a vent on the subject of people asking me to write for free.  This is different.  She’s my bud, one of me bestest pals.  If she takes it into her head to do something, I’ll be right behind her cheerleading and offering whatever I can in the way of support, because that’s what you do for buds.  Even if I didn’t also think she’s got the inherent drive and brilliance to be the only provider with the potential to change the face of the hobby.

Published in: on July 20, 2010 at 8:50 pm  Comments (2)