Dealing with the public

I’m going to treat y’all to a glimpse of my inbox.  This should be good.

These are actual emails copied directly and in full, redacted only to protect identifying info.  And there are so many more where these came from.

Client: Do u practice the lingam massage

Me: I am not even certain what that is.

Client: A massage of the groin area


What is Therapeutic Touch?

Touch is a basic human instinct each of us is born with. Reaching out and touching another person is a universal action that offers love and caring and has been shown to have health benefits that complement conventional medicine. Stress and anxiety of the mind directly influences our physical well-being. It can raise blood pressure, tense muscles, and affect heart rates. Therapeutic touch is a relaxation technique which encourages a calming effect on the mind, body, and spirit. This is not a massage service as we do not perform nor offer to perform any service with a purported health benefit. This is an aid only and involves the loving touch of the heart through the hands.

In order to achieve the maximum level of relaxation possible, the sessions are conducted in a private, non-clinical setting with soft lighting. Your comfort is a priority, therefore your state of undress is left entirely up to you. Draping is optional and available. You can even stay fully clothed if you like. We will respect your modesty and not touch any area that you decide to keep covered.

What are your rates?

$50.00 per half hour. Cash only. We are not set up at this time to accept checks or credit cards.

Where are you located?

We are located in Portland, TX in a quiet complex near Wildcat and Lang. Upon scheduling an appointment please call prior to leaving your location for confirmation and complete directions.

Are you licensed or registered as a massage therapist?

No. Nor are we advertising a massage service as outlined by the Texas Department of Health. What we do is holistic and spiritual in nature and does not consist of muscle and tissue manipulation for a medical benefit. If you have been asked to seek out the services of a massage therapist by a physician or have been recommended for Deep Tissue, Swedish, or any other prescribed types of massage therapy. We urge you to seek out a licensed or registered massage therapist that specializes in that area.

Do you provide “extras” or is your service “all inclusive”?

Assuming you are speaking of any activity that violates the Texas Penal Code or the rules and regulations of the Texas Department of Health to include any type of sexual activities, then the answer is NO we do not.

Is there a number I can use to contact you?

Yes, it’s 361-434-****. Please understand that most of the time we are unable to answer calls during the day due to our work load. This number is for our voice answering system and we encourage you to leave a message to include your name, phone number, and an appropriate time to return your call which we will do as soon as possible. There are times when we are unable to return the call that day. If this is the case, please try again at your next convenience.

How do I schedule an appointment?

At you will be able to see the dates and times that we are available plus schedule your own appointment at the time that is most convenient for you. Priority scheduling goes to those that use this system. If you call or email, we will try our best to fit you in at the next available time slot. If you have any more questions that are not covered here, please email

Client: Do u have a picture

Me: Any other questions?

Published in: on January 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. The hands don’t look too bad in the pic. That’s the area of interest with a massage, right?

  2. That “brandysbedroom” email shouldn’t leave anybody wondering about the service…

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